The Perfect Parent - an endless pursuit

Imagine you are with your child at the dining table. You are trying to finish feeding them and get to the next task you have at hand. Could be getting to work, getting them ready, or just simply calling it a day. You are already on the edge. You could simply be exhausted or haven't slept well. After a long wait, your child is finally at the dinner table and before you know it, you hear "That's disgusting!!! I don't like what is made today". Of course, you've had it and you snap "What is wrong with you? Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?" And things get worse from there. Your child screams, "I hate you." They run out of the room and slam the bedroom door. Does all this sound familiar?

If you are like me and so many others, then these thoughts cross your mind:

• Have I screwed up my kid forever?

• What is that one parenting advice that will take your parenting skills to the next level?

• What can you do to not feel guilty for your actions/inactions as a parent?

• How to not lose it in any situation and ensure you and your child come out at end of the tunnel unscathed?

• Eventually, what will make you The PERFECT PARENT?

Let me start by saying, in the words of Dr. Becky Kennedy, "There's no such thing as A PERFECT PARENT. Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job, but no one tells you what to do next."

If you still haven't heard her TED talk from April 2023 on 'The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy', I'll share the video below. This talk has about 24M + views at the time of writing this article. It will cost you 14 mins of your time. I learn something new every time I listen to it.

In these 14 minutes, Dr. Becky talks about a few things;

1. Get good at repair

Till such a future where time-travel is invented, we look at how can we repair the damage that may have been caused by my actions/inactions: I yelled at my kid, I forgot something that is important to them and such.

If there's one parenting strategy we can learn and should get focused on is - Get good at repairing.

2. What is repair?

Repair is going back to the moment of disconnection and taking responsibility for our behaviour and acknowledging the impact it had on my child [or any relationship for that matter]. I don't think this is like an apology. An apology sometimes can be closed ended. "I'm sorry I yelled; can we move on now?"

Repair assumes there's been a rupture, we have to mess up or fall short of someone else's expectations (my child in this case). Instead of berating ourself, we need to try to remind myself, "I'm focusing on getting good at repair."

3. What if you don't repair?

The fact is that our children are alone, overwhelmed and in state of distress in that moment because of what just passed. They must now figure out on their own how to feel safe and secure. If, we don't go help our children do that through making the repair, they are going to have to rely on the only coping mechanism they have at their disposal SELF-BLAME.

So many of us grew up with that feeling so often, didn't we? What did we hope for when our parent yelled at us? Did we also hope that they would come and help us figure out what just happened? But, when they didn't come, we probably internalized it and our brain found the only logic available, "I must have done something wrong. I'm unlovable and I make bad things happen"

Why does this happen? It is a mechanism for our children to feel safe and good again. It allows them to hold on to the idea that the parents and the world around the parent is safe [has to be, no?] and they can be trusted again. - Bumper, I know right?

This may work in their childhood for our kids, but this certainly works against them in their adulthood. "I must have done something wrong. I'm unlovable and I make bad things happen." These are also the fears of so many adults. But, these are actually childhood stories we wrote for ourselves when we were left alone too following distressing events that went without repair.

As adults, all this leaves us vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness - None of which you want for our kids. This doesn't mean you have to be perfect.

4. What happens when you repair?

When we repair, we go beyond removing the self-blame and internalization. We bring big elements into the picture that were missing in the first place - SAFETY, CONNECTION, COHERENCE, LOVE and GOODNESS.

We are telling our children "I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame. Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending, and therefore a different title, and theme and lesson learned."

When we remember painful experiences from our past within a safer and more connected relationship, the event remains, but our story of the event, it changes, and then we change. With repair, we effectively change the past.

5. How to repair?

Step 1 - Repair yourself

We can't offer compassion or grounded-ness or understanding to someone else before we access those qualities within ourself. Self-repair means separating our identity, who we are, from our behavior and what we did. It means telling yourself two things are true.

a) You are not proud of your latest behavior; and

b) Your latest behavior doesn't define you

Even as we struggle on the outside, we remain 'good inside'.

I'm a good parent - Identity

Who was having a hard time - Behaviour

This doesn't mean we are off the hook. This is precisely what leaves us on the hook for change. Now that we've replaced the spiral with groundedness, we can actually use our energy toward thinking about what we want to do differently the next time.

Step 2 - Repair with your child

We often think about three elements:

a) name what happened;

b) take responsibility;

c) state what we would do differently the next time.

It could look something like this.

What happened - "Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen. I'm sorry I yelled."

Taking responsibility - "I'm sure that felt scary. And it wasn't your fault."

What would we do differently - "I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated."

An intervention like this which may take 15-30 seconds, can have a lifelong impact. We've just managed to replace your child's story of self-blame with a story of self-trust and safety and connection. What a massive upgrade. Isn't it?

6. What is not repair?

There are a few examples of what we call not repair, which are things that come more naturally to most of us -- me included.

"Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner, it wouldn't have happened."

Or

"You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life, like a home-cooked meal. Then, you won't get yelled at."

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection, they also insinuate that our children caused our reaction, which simply isn’t true and isn't a model of emotional regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

7. What is the outcome of all of this?

So let's say we've all resisted the "wrong" ways or what we earlier called not-repairs, and have instead used an approach that allowed us to reconnect. What might the impact be? What might that look like in adulthood?

Our adult children won’t spiral in self-blame when they make mistakes, and won’t take on blame for someone else’s mistakes. Our adult children will know how to take responsibility for their own actions and behavior, because we've modeled how to take responsibility for our own actions. Repairing with a child today sets the stage for these critical adult relationship patterns.

Wait, that's not it, it gets better - now that we've reconnected with our child, we can do something really impactful. We can teach them a skill they didn't have in the first place, which is how kids actually change their behavior. So maybe the next day, we say "You know, you're not always going to like what is make for dinner. Instead of saying 'that's disgusting,' I wonder if you could say 'not my favorite.'" 

Now we are teaching our child how to regulate their understandable disappointment, and communicate effectively and respectfully with another person. That never would have happened if just blamed them for our reaction.

8. It's not to late, it's never too late.

Now imagine, we get a call from one of our parents, and if neither of our parents are alive, imagine finding and opening a letter we hadn't seen till that moment. 

Dr. Becky narrates this the best in her TED talk.

Imagine your parent speaking to you;

"Hey, I know this sounds out of the blue, but I've been thinking a lot about your childhood.  And I think there were a lot of moments that felt really bad to you. And you are right to feel that way. Those moments weren't your fault. They were times when I was struggling, and if I could have gone back, I would have stepped aside, I would have calmed myself down,

and then found you to help you with whatever you were struggling with. I'm sorry.

And if you're ever willing to talk to me about any of those moments, I'll listen.

I won't listen to have a rebuttal. I'll listen to understand. I love you."

I don't know about you, but I certainly cried listening to the TED talk. Dr. Becky describes that she often hears, “Why am I crying?” Or "Listen, that wouldn't change everything. But it might change some things." 

Here's something that we know with certainty.  If you have a child, that child is younger than you are. Always true. 

The story of their life is shorter and even more amenable to editing. So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you, imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child. 

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

If you like this article and what Dr. Becky said, do consider getting a copy of Dr. Becky Kennedys book on parenting called 'Good Inside'. A link to buy from Amazon is here.

A mom of three, clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy launched Good Inside in 2020 to help parents move from uncertainty and self-blame to confidence and what she defines as "sturdy" leadership. Dr. Becky’s breakthrough approach has ignited a global movement of over 2 million parents who are dedicated to breaking intergenerational cycles and raising resilient, confident children.